Putting My Foot in My Mouth

I love to write.

In fact, I have always loved writing. 

I have journals upon journals that date back so far that some of them you'd think were written by the Egyptians because in kindergarten I wrote in hieroglyphics.

Be jealous.

There are a lot of reasons why I love to write.

One of the being that if you know me, you know I'm awesome at saying the worst thing at the wrong time.

You would probably agree with my husband when he says

"Why are you so awesome at putting your foot in your mouth and you only continue to get worse about it?'

Ha. It's true unfortunately.

          Here are some examples:

•  I walked up to a  girl about my age at church who was about as far along in pregnancy as me when I was pregnant with Charlotte. We were talking and I thought she said her husband was a Marine. So I asked "Oh is your husband on the field right now or something?" She replies "No, I'm not married. It's just me and my baby." I say: "Oh...cute!"

Yeah. Way to go Alex. Add 5 points to the Christian stereotypes.

• Or how about when I was talking to a guy in one of my college classes and said "Jesus loves you yah know.....oh wait...youre Muslim." (I didnt mean it how it sounded I just remembered he was Muslim at an awesome moment) And my Jewish professor heard me and said "Dont worry, Jesus doesnt love me either since Im a Jew." (Also not true) Try redeeming yourself from that one!
• Or there's the time just a few weeks ago when I was introducing myself to our new Pastor's wife.
  "Hi, Im Alex. This isnt the first impression I wanted to give you with no make up on. And this isnt the second time Im eating McDonalds today...ok yes it is." What?! Sheesh.
• Or when Im talking to the new Pastor who is trying to remember mine and Zach's names and I say : "Just think of us as your average gay couple." (meaning I have a guy name) and he says: "...only not...kind of more like just the opposite." Zach is standing behind him looking at me with a look that says "YOURE DOING IT NOW! STOP! WE WILL BE INTERNING UNDER THEM SOON!" But hey...he remembered our names.
• Or when I thought I was pregnant and went to the Dr for a test and she came out and informed me that it was negative. So I told her "Sweet!!! Thank you!" (like she had anything to do with if I was pregnant or not) and then proceeded to try to give her a handshake and end up shaking her thumb instead. Cool.
• Or when our friend's neighbors were yelling at my friend Stacia and I after they broke my truck mirror and through away Zach and Trever's motorcycle helmets? Yes...I found that as the perfect time to comment on the woman's "nice eyebrows" which weren't actually nice...because she didnt have any.
  
  
  
• Or how about when I went to Zach's house for the first time when we started dating and I heard some noises coming from down the hall and I ask "What's your cat DOING back there??" and his sweet mom replies "Oh that's Debbie. She loves Barney." I didnt know yet that he had a sister with cerebral palsy. I wanted to bury my face in my plate of spaghetti. Some how they still love me...I think.
  
  
• Or the time my father-in-law was on what we thought was his death bed and Zach flew home from Afghanistan? I was sitting around the table with him and all of his sisters when our nephew says something while looking at a picture of "pop pop" over and over that to me sounds like "I see dead people." Of course I couldn't just keep that to myself! I had to say it out loud. Yeah no one had anything to say back to that and I hid in my room for half an hour and came back to apologize. Thankfully, Alan is alive and kicking otherwise I wouldn't share that one.
  
  

There are many more examples Im sure. If we are friends, I bet you could make your own list of all the great things I say. Or even if we arent close and we've just met a couple times Ive probably said something awkward and somehow inappropriate and we both laughed nervously trying to hide our discomfort.

I dont know how many times I've been kindly told I should work on thinking before I speak.

Let me just apologize now.

Sorrryyyy!!!!

So this is why I like to write. Because I can gather and organize my thoughts and have time to say what I actually mean.

The best part about writing though, is that God somehow works in my mind and heart and seems to take control of my hands. 

So when I go back and reread what I wrote about something tragic and horrible, He shows me how He was there.

Holding me.

Guiding me.

Building my endurance and character into the person He intended me to be.

He shows me when I look back to previous entries just how confused I was in the past and when I sit here in the present I see how He worked and how everything makes sense when He is in control.

I love writing.

I love being honest and transparent.

If you read my story, (which was extremely difficult to write) you will see how I have begun to share the hard things I've experienced.

I used to think people who did this were crazy.

Like my sister-in-law (whom I love deeply) and her story.

Or this amazing woman and her story.

Until I read their stories and they spoke to me.

Until I read all the comments from people they  helped in their situation.

Now I know the beauty of transparency.

Not only does God grow us mentally and spiritually in times of difficulty but He uses our experiences to speak to others in need.

That's why I dont want to hide my trials and just share the face value stuff anymore.

Hardly a soul reads my blog and that's ok with me.

If one person reads it and feels inspired, or less alone, or closer to God because He used my times of tribulation, depression, and triumph to draw them in...then its all worth it to me.

I Just Need a Minute...

I remember before I was married and before I had kids when I would hear young moms around me saying the phrase

 "ughhh I just need a minute..just oneee minute."

 

I would laugh sympathetically and think "poor thing."

I did not realize just exactly what the phrase meant.

 

It's been one of those days...no, one of those weeks where

 

Ive just needed a minute.

 

 

A minute where I could drink my coffee in peace without Charlotte reaching and crying for it because she is convinced she needs it.

 

 

A minute where Charlotte's silence means she is playing quietly like a sweet little girl instead of getting into something she isnt supposed to...something that Ive infact told her not to get into a billion times.

 

A minute where I can make dinner or do dishes without Charlotte standing behind me and pulling my pants to the floor because she wants to be held constantly.

 

 

A minute where I can go to the bathroom by myself without my little baby needing to sit on my lap at the same time because...again she wants to be held constantly.

 

A minute where I can bathe by myself.

 

A minute where she doesnt run away from me while Im trying to dress her to go poop and pee on my floor.

 

 A minute where she isnt throwing away our car keys, ID cards, wallets, or wiping her boogies on our white couch (hey its clear we are first time parents because what mom buys a white couch??)

 

A minute where I am not cleaning because as soon as I finish cleaning one room, Charlotte goes in after me and destroys it.

 

 

 

 

 

Then I get one of those minutes.

 

 



 

When Zach and I are at a church event and Charlotte

is in childcare and after 30 minutes Im missing her terribly.

Then I go to pick her up and seeing how excited she gets and yells "dada" while she runs to me (she used to know I am mama) is the best moment in my day

 

Or when I put her to bed 15 minutes early because neither her or I can take one more minute...

and thirty minutes goes by and I start saying things to Zach like

 

"Did you see how she ran off and peed on the floor? She is so stinking cute."

 

or

 

"I cant believe she threw away our keys! That was hilarious."

 

Then I get one of those minutes and I dont seem to remember how stressed, frustrated, and exhausted I was for most of the day.

All I remember is how funny and cute my little girl is or all the things that werent so cute during the day all of the sudden seem adorable.

All I remember is the love, joy, and fullness she brings to my life.

 

 

Then I sit in awe and think that about how through Charlotte, God has given me a glimpse of His love for me.

 

 

I cant do anything for Him.

Im completely helpless.

I get into things Im not supposed to.

I follow Him around, whining and crying.

I do things He tells me not to

because it's my life and He surely just doesnt understand that I know better.

I make a mess of my life.

I break His heart...

 

and at the end of the day when I go to Him and tell Him I'm sorry

 

He tells me it's already forgiven.

He has already forgotten

and all He remembers is the love, joy, and fullness of heart I bring Him.

 

 

It's a beautiful picture.