empty by noon

Hello.

Im back.

And Im empty.

Writing is therapy.

Free therapy, might I add.

I wake to the noises of a rooting little one all through out the night.

Im up

with a jump,

I bound up the stairs.

I lift her and kiss her and hold her loving stares.

I feed her from my own body

and lay her gently back down

make my way to bed

Dare not make a sound.

6 am

I wake

yet again

to

"MOMMYYYYYY, MOMMY!!"

Sleep is over- the day begins.

I smile, I hug, I kiss

and

I love.

I cook and prepare 

Double check what is there

No toxins, no fluoride, no pesticides please.

No hormones, no chemicals,

every single label I read.

"Mommy, no like dis."

"Baby, its good for you eat what I make."

"MOMMY, NO!"

to time out you go,

no breakfast today.

Children, no running.

Please, walking feet.

My patience is slowly

Draining right out of me

I laugh, I play,

Dance, sing songs

imagine all day

and correct all their wrongs.

No hitting

Time out

No back talk

Time out

No jumping

No biting

Nothing sassy

Time. OUT!

Noses in corners

and tears on the wall

Yes, I know what you think-

Im no fun at all.

Nap time.

You sleep.

Silence.

is fine.

I wipe, scrub, and sweep.

Oh you're awake!

So bright eyed,

refreshed.

I however,

Have just caught my breath.

Ok let's play

sing and dance 

the rest of the day.

Smile, wave

Hello, hello

how are you?

Huh? What is what?

Oh its just baby food.

Ah your hair IS cut.

How nice.

In the last year…

Ive cut mine twice.

"Hey! Where is your filter?

and wow your attitude

is a bit off kilter.

Where is your drive?

Your commitment, your finesse?

Why don't you try

To strive for your best?"

Mingle, entertain

Just think before you say

"Im so sorry. I forgot what it means to be sane

Did you forget I speak to toddlers all day?"

Ok, you get it

you can imagine, you understand

just wave and smile

look pretty, shake a hand

Hurry please!

there is no time more opportune

"Forgive me,"

I say

"I was empty by noon."

Freakin Out

Not gonna lie,

Last night I was freakin out just a bit.

 

Does anyone else lay awake at night because right after you rest your head on the pillow you have some weird thought, that in that moment when youre fried from a long day of butt wiping-baby chasing-and face palming, seems life altering?

No?

Ok maybe that's just me. 

I swear I've cured cancer like 5,000 times while lying awake.

Thats how much my wheels get to turning sometimes when I lay down.

Last night I laid down and my reality came like a freight train crashing in my face.

 *ouch* 

I looked over at the bassinet where Harper was sleeping and thought...

Holy crap.

Im a mom.

(You know...all those real obvious things that you dont sit and take the time to think about because you are too busy living them?)

Here is what it sounded like in my head last night:

"...Im a mom. To two little girls....

Oh man TWO girls.

one

 

two

(notice how Charlotte came out screaming and Harper's mouth is closed and she is peaceful? Not much has changed there :) )

Charlotte is already almost two....

I graduated high school at 18

got married a few months later...at 18

Moved from Kansas to California at 18

got pregnant at 19,

 

had my first child at 20

My husband deployed to Afghanistan when I was 20 and I moved back home to Kansas...

My husband returned when I was 21...

I got pregnant with my second at 21

Moved from California to Wisconsin

And had my second at 22...

who is now already SIX WEEKS OLD?!

Wait. When did that happen? When, in a conversation between a middle schooler and a 20somethingyearold, did I become the one blabbing on and on about when I was in middle school and the middle schooler looks at me blankly, not knowing who Stewie from MadTv is?

*lookwhatIcando!*

When did the '90s end and how was that almost two decades ago now??

Where has the time gone?"

*Que freak out*

That's about the time I got up and started walking around my house (when did I get my own house?! and AH are those chickens in my back yard...for real?) praying.

It was when my minor panic attack lead me to gaze at Charlotte in her crib, sound asleep, that I got the answer.

There.

That's where the time went.

In Charlotte.

It was like I could physically see the time that has passed and flown by, bottled into Charlotte. As more time accumulates into passed time, it gathers there and she grows into this funny, smart, sweet, turdbutt, little girl.

Who makes me laugh and melts my heart...and then makes me poke my eyes out with frustration.

and into Harper... 

Who is now 6 weeks old.

I feel like I will be dead by like tomorrow because of how fast the time is going. 

(Sorry, that's the downer Debbie that creeps up inside of me from time to time)

Its the truth though.

Time is running and she just seems to get faster and faster with...time.

But with this answer came the peace of God's presence, wrapping around me like the strongest and most compassionate arms...

He lead me up to my daughter's room to remind me-

That He holds time in His hands.

And if it weren't for me surrendering my life to Him, all that time would be for not.

There have been HUGE changes.

Huge moves.

Huge struggles.

  and

Huge heartbreak.

But as I sit, in my bed...in my own house...with an amazing husband in the living room, and two beautiful sleeping girls just upstairs....and with some fine lines gathering around my eyes from some hard laughter...and some hard tears all that were had in the last four years...

I am still

and knowing that He is God.

And that is what re-centers

me at the end of my recovery phase from a minor 

Freak out.

Leap of Faith: Green Bay

It started with a dream.

As most of you know from reading my story, I came out of a really hard season in my life not too long ago.

Although my days were happy and productive again (finally) and I reached a feeling of normalcy (which is a blessing when you think "normal" will never happen again) my nights were rough.

I had continuous nightmares for months on end...to the point where I just got used to having them.

Until one night in the beginning of January.

I had a simple dream.

There was no sound, just images.

Zach had been hired for the job in California he had been interviewing for for several weeks.

But he didnt take it.

We immediately packed up and moved across the country to Green Bay, Wisconsin for a ministry opportunity with our previous pastors.

Then, I woke up.

That was it.

But I knew it was different. 

After all, it wasn't a nightmare.

God speaks to me through dreams sometimes.

Im noticing His pattern.

It's always before a big life change.

Because of this....I didnt tell Zach for a few days.

That's bad I know!!

But my flesh was all "no way Big man. I hate moving. You want me to just pack up and move to Green Bay...on a whim?! I love You..but I think I will pass."

Pretty much telling God- "Nope, I know better than You and that's not like me to just pack up and move. You know me! Im the worry wort. I like plans and to know every step in advance."

So I kept it to myself, convincing myself it was just a dream

Then, a couple days later, Zach and I were talking in the car on a drive home from San Diego.

Zach: I feel unsettled.

Me: What do you mean?

Zach: "Like we arent supposed to be here for much longer. I wont hesitate if we are called to move."

Me: *oh man. It was probably...most likely...definitely a dream from God.* "You know what's funny?"

And I told him my dream.

A few days passed and I thought to myself: *I should tell Sonny (our pastor/friend in Green Bay) my dream. She would probably get a kick out of it.*

However, her response wasnt exactly what I thought it would be.

She told me "do it!" and sent some links to places for housing and talked to us about how they needed help.

My spirit knew that God was calling us out of California but I just couldn't quite believe it.

Then everything happened...

Just like my dream.

Zach got the job in California.

They offered him a great salary and benefits.

We prayed.

We walked away.

We prayed again.

Telling God we trusted Him to show us every step of the way.

Because...we didnt really had a plan.

This was the first time either of us EVER completely trusted God. 

The decision to pack up and move to Green Bay would either make us- by us learning first hand what it means to completely lean on God and build a solid foundation for us to launch into ministry...

Or break us.

If God didnt show up...we would be homeless....jobless...with a one year old...and a baby on the way.

Now thats scary.

And definitely looks crazy from the outside...

it would have to considering it seemed crazy on the inside!

But it was the easiest thing for us to do.

The year of hell we just walked through taught us first hand what we preach every. day.

God. Is. Faithful.

After all of that trial...it was easy and peaceful to say:

"You know what? We give it to you God. We trust You. And we will follow when You call."

Then actually not worry about it.

Then God showed up.

We packed up.

The Marine Corps paid for our move to Kansas.

We made it to Kansas safely.

Zach and I took a week and went to Green Bay while Charlotte stayed in Kansas with family.

The first day we got there, we found our dream house.

Then made an offer that was accepted a couple hours later.

We met the church youth pastor.

Loved her.

Went to the youth group.

Loved it.

I cant remember the last time we were both so so excited about something.

Then, the next step was a big one...Zach needed a full time job.

That paid at least $9.50 an hour.

Minimum wage is $7 something an hour in Green Bay.

And he needed one within the next three days.

On our third day in Green Bay, Zach had an on-the-spot interview at a car dealership.

The same night, the managers called and set up an interview with the General Manager.

The next day he interviewed a second time...

About 30 minutes after the interview, He received a phone call saying that he was hired.

And they paid $10 an hour.

More than we needed.

We packed up and drove home from Green Bay back to our baby girl who was waiting in Kansas...

In complete awe....

of learning something we have always known.

When you give everything to God's hand and follow Him when you hear Him call...

He paves the way.

Because He is faithful.