Freakin Out

Not gonna lie,

Last night I was freakin out just a bit.

 

Does anyone else lay awake at night because right after you rest your head on the pillow you have some weird thought, that in that moment when youre fried from a long day of butt wiping-baby chasing-and face palming, seems life altering?

No?

Ok maybe that's just me. 

I swear I've cured cancer like 5,000 times while lying awake.

Thats how much my wheels get to turning sometimes when I lay down.

Last night I laid down and my reality came like a freight train crashing in my face.

 *ouch* 

I looked over at the bassinet where Harper was sleeping and thought...

Holy crap.

Im a mom.

(You know...all those real obvious things that you dont sit and take the time to think about because you are too busy living them?)

Here is what it sounded like in my head last night:

"...Im a mom. To two little girls....

Oh man TWO girls.

one

 

two

(notice how Charlotte came out screaming and Harper's mouth is closed and she is peaceful? Not much has changed there :) )

Charlotte is already almost two....

I graduated high school at 18

got married a few months later...at 18

Moved from Kansas to California at 18

got pregnant at 19,

 

had my first child at 20

My husband deployed to Afghanistan when I was 20 and I moved back home to Kansas...

My husband returned when I was 21...

I got pregnant with my second at 21

Moved from California to Wisconsin

And had my second at 22...

who is now already SIX WEEKS OLD?!

Wait. When did that happen? When, in a conversation between a middle schooler and a 20somethingyearold, did I become the one blabbing on and on about when I was in middle school and the middle schooler looks at me blankly, not knowing who Stewie from MadTv is?

*lookwhatIcando!*

When did the '90s end and how was that almost two decades ago now??

Where has the time gone?"

*Que freak out*

That's about the time I got up and started walking around my house (when did I get my own house?! and AH are those chickens in my back yard...for real?) praying.

It was when my minor panic attack lead me to gaze at Charlotte in her crib, sound asleep, that I got the answer.

There.

That's where the time went.

In Charlotte.

It was like I could physically see the time that has passed and flown by, bottled into Charlotte. As more time accumulates into passed time, it gathers there and she grows into this funny, smart, sweet, turdbutt, little girl.

Who makes me laugh and melts my heart...and then makes me poke my eyes out with frustration.

and into Harper... 

Who is now 6 weeks old.

I feel like I will be dead by like tomorrow because of how fast the time is going. 

(Sorry, that's the downer Debbie that creeps up inside of me from time to time)

Its the truth though.

Time is running and she just seems to get faster and faster with...time.

But with this answer came the peace of God's presence, wrapping around me like the strongest and most compassionate arms...

He lead me up to my daughter's room to remind me-

That He holds time in His hands.

And if it weren't for me surrendering my life to Him, all that time would be for not.

There have been HUGE changes.

Huge moves.

Huge struggles.

  and

Huge heartbreak.

But as I sit, in my bed...in my own house...with an amazing husband in the living room, and two beautiful sleeping girls just upstairs....and with some fine lines gathering around my eyes from some hard laughter...and some hard tears all that were had in the last four years...

I am still

and knowing that He is God.

And that is what re-centers

me at the end of my recovery phase from a minor 

Freak out.