This was never something I intended to share publicly like this until this week.
While reflecting on all of the people I have known through friends, who was a friend, or who was family in my life and whom I loved that have either attempted or was successful with suicide, the Lord put it on my heart to share my story.
Its not pretty...in the beginning...or in the middle...but let me tell you, the ending is beyond the description of beautiful.
Over the last year, I have realized through people encouraging me with their stories of their darkest hours that there is something so beneficial and healing in transparency. So I am going to share about the most terrible time in my life, as prompted by God, in hopes that if there is one person out there that stumbles upon my tiny blog and reads this story-that they walk away from their computer encouraged and filled with hope.
Depression is no stranger to me. I experienced my first major depressive episode when I was a senior in high school. It was pretty short lived because I received medical attention quickly because my parents recognized the symptoms. I was on medication for near two years when I felt I had been healed by God and stopped cold turkey (I don't recommend this, it isn't safe). I was off for nearly two years and I was the happiest I had ever been in my life.
What I did not realize was that being healed from one depressive episode does not always mean that you wont ever encounter depression again.
Two weeks before Charlotte was born my life went to hell in a hand basket. My world fell from beneath my feet.
My marriage went to crap.
And my mental health was on its way in that direction as well.
Then I found out that Zach would be going to Afghanistan three months after our daughter was born.
What a better time for all hell to break loose than when you are two weeks from giving birth and entering into the life altering responsibility of parenthood?
None, of course.
If you read my birth story then you also know that mine and Charlotte's postpartum experience wasn't ideal.
Once we got home, things started to even out and feel better emotionally.
Once we got home, things started to even out and feel better emotionally.
One of the reasons why was because I did what I tend to do when faced with something that hurts, I did not face it.
(some advice- that strategy does not work lol)
Instead of dealing with the sin that had ripped apart my marriage I decided to ignore it and the fact that the man I loved so deeply was getting ready to leave me for 6 to 7 months for war.
Three months flew by.
I held my tiny, almost 3 month old in my arms as we watched Zach ride away on a bus to be taken to the airport where he would then make the long trip to Afghanistan.
My sweet mother-in-law flew in and made the exhausting 26 hour drive home with Charlotte and I to Kansas.
After the second day of driving (which was 16 hours straight) I finally made it into Wichita and was about 5 minutes from my parent's home when I received a phone call. My brother told me my parents had a fight, my dad left, and it probably wasn't the greatest idea to come home just then.
That night started the long divorce process and deterioration of my family.
Thankfully, I love my in-laws deeply and they were more than happy to let Charlotte and I stay with them.
Which I decided would be best as I was trying to preserve what ever sanity I had left.
However, this decision did not make everyone happy and in fact I was accused of "abandoning" my family by family members.
What they did not realize was the extent to which I was suffering and I did what I had to do for my family-that now consists of Zach and Charlotte.
So with all the stress of a season of trial in my marriage, becoming a new mom, going through deployment, and my parent's divorce, coupled with the fact that I was suffering from postpartum depression caused me to spiral.
My daily stress translated into insomnia.
Charlotte woke up every 45 minutes for nights on end but even when she did sleep...I did not.
I was convinced that if this happened, everything would be better.
Well, God is faithful and He answered my prayer...not in the way I had anticipated, however.
Four months into deployment, Zach's dad went into cardiac arrest and nearly died. The fact that he did not was a miracle and an answer to thousands of prayers.
After two weeks of Zach home in Kansas, we drove back to California.
Where I realized I was wrong.
Things did not get better, in fact they got much more difficult.
Back in California, Zach and I had to face reality.
We had to fix our broken marriage with serious help from God and loving encouragement from friends and family.
We had to try to remember how to be a family after being separated for four months.
And I had to learn to be a mom on my own for the first time without my mother-in-law there to take Charlotte when I needed a nap or a break.
Even after Zach and I worked through things and God completely restored our marriage to something better than it had ever been, I was not ok.
I did not realize at the time that I had had post partum depression all along and was now spiraling quicker into what would later be diagnosed as a severe, major depressive episode.
Zach would come home from work and I would be laying in my pajamas on the floor.
The house was a disaster and I never made dinner.
He would ask me what I did during the day and I honestly could not tell him because my severe depression was causing memory loss.
There are actually many gaps in my memory from May to the end of October because I was so depressed.
My insomnia worsened.
I went on a two week span where I did not get more than 3 hours of broken sleep every night.
I had panic attacks daily.
I could not sleep.
I could not eat.
When I did eat, I vomited everything up.
When I did eat, I vomited everything up.
I got down to nearly 100 pounds.
All I could talk about was how sad I was. So sad that my bones physically ached with the pain of depression.
Zach did not know what to do. He loved me and held me and encouraged me and was so very patient when I know he had to be so stressed because there was nothing he could do.
I would sit up in bed at night and he would roll over and hold me and ask me what was wrong and I would sob hysterically telling him how scared I was....when I had nothing to be scared of.
The depression was causing irrational terror.
Every day I called someone.
I had a list of people I would call while Zach was gone to talk to because I simply could not mentally handle being alone.
I felt as though the depression was actually affecting my vision.
Every light was too bright and I constantly felt disoriented.
I wish I could find the words to describe how it felt. It was constant, relentless misery.
I wish I could find the words to describe how it felt. It was constant, relentless misery.
I prayed constantly and journaled to God crying out for help.
I posted scripture up around my house and read it out loud to myself.
I posted scripture up around my house and read it out loud to myself.
I lived with my nose in my Bible because it was the only life line that reached into the deepest, darkest pit I had ever fallen into.
Finally, I set aside everything that I was trying to do to fix it on my own. I cried out to God and told Him that I gave every aspect of my life to Him 2 years ago and a huge aspect of my life at that point was severe depression. I told Him that I gave control to Him to heal and restore me and that I would not take a step in any direction that He did not lead me to.
That very same day my Pastor's wife texted me and told me there was a Christian therapist that attended our church and was a part of the prayer team that she wanted me to meet.
She immediately took me on as a client and we met the following Wednesday. It was in that little room, sitting on a worn, blue couch, that I finally learned the truth about depression.
Depression is a disease, not a sign of weakness and it does not make you less of a person if you suffer from it. Real, clinical depression is not something you can just "suck up and get over." It is just as real as cancer or diabetes. Severe, untreated depression can turn into a downward spiral that can not be fixed on it's own and without medical help can develop psychotic features like schizophrenia or psychosis.
In 2009, nearly 37,000 Americans took their own lives. (http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/index.html)
My therapist recommended that I see a doctor as soon as possible because she did not believe my depression was the kind of depression that would heal itself, I needed help.
For the first time, I was not ashamed to admit that I needed help. I had prayed and given my situation to God and He immediately lead me to the path of healing that He wanted me to take. After the doctors did their part in helping me, God still had a lot of work to do in me to help me completely heal from the shadow of the valley of death.
And He did.
Because He is faithful.
Now I am happy every day. I smile and laugh...which were things I couldnt do for six months on end. My house is back in order the way I love it and Im actually cooking dinner that is edible. My marriage is now a beautiful picture of the redeeming love of Christ and I fall deeper in love with my Zach every single day. My daughter is healthy and happy and God has blessed Zach and I with another baby on the way.
If I did not have God...there is no way I would have survived the last year of my life.
I would have become like the 37,000 people who were so desperate and heart broken in 2009 that they decided life was not worth living anymore.
Im not trying to sell you on Christianity. I just want to tell you the testimony that I carry about God's love and faithfulness. Now that I am no longer depressed, I can see how God was working in every single aspect of my misery. He could have fixed everything the 2 weeks before I delivered Charlotte but He did not. At first I was angry by this, and could not understand why but now I know.
God grows and stretches you in times of brokenness.
He shows you just how frail life is and just how desperately we all need a savior.
He uses this time of vulnerability to mold and shape you into the person He destined for you to be.
If you are at this place in your life, I need you to know you are not alone. 1 in every 4 adults suffer from clinical depression.
Can I ask you a couple of things?
Please dont keep this a secret ok?
Reach out to someone that you feel safe being vulnerable with because you need support in these dark places. If you dont feel like you have anyone like that message me on facebook or email me at alexandra.klein91@yahoo.com
I will listen and pray with you.
And most importantly, cry out to Jesus. You may not feel like He is there but I promise He is right there holding you. Or maybe you don't even believe in His existence as God. If you don't believe...why not just try calling out to Him anyway? If you're in the pit then you dont have anything to lose right? I promise He will answer your call and lift you out of the darkness.
Something that helped me in my time of need was hearing this truth:
"with Jesus, you will not stay in the valley...He will carry you through the valley."
"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."
-Psalms 30:5
Finally, I set aside everything that I was trying to do to fix it on my own. I cried out to God and told Him that I gave every aspect of my life to Him 2 years ago and a huge aspect of my life at that point was severe depression. I told Him that I gave control to Him to heal and restore me and that I would not take a step in any direction that He did not lead me to.
That very same day my Pastor's wife texted me and told me there was a Christian therapist that attended our church and was a part of the prayer team that she wanted me to meet.
She immediately took me on as a client and we met the following Wednesday. It was in that little room, sitting on a worn, blue couch, that I finally learned the truth about depression.
Depression is a disease, not a sign of weakness and it does not make you less of a person if you suffer from it. Real, clinical depression is not something you can just "suck up and get over." It is just as real as cancer or diabetes. Severe, untreated depression can turn into a downward spiral that can not be fixed on it's own and without medical help can develop psychotic features like schizophrenia or psychosis.
In 2009, nearly 37,000 Americans took their own lives. (http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/index.html)
My therapist recommended that I see a doctor as soon as possible because she did not believe my depression was the kind of depression that would heal itself, I needed help.
For the first time, I was not ashamed to admit that I needed help. I had prayed and given my situation to God and He immediately lead me to the path of healing that He wanted me to take. After the doctors did their part in helping me, God still had a lot of work to do in me to help me completely heal from the shadow of the valley of death.
And He did.
Because He is faithful.
Now I am happy every day. I smile and laugh...which were things I couldnt do for six months on end. My house is back in order the way I love it and Im actually cooking dinner that is edible. My marriage is now a beautiful picture of the redeeming love of Christ and I fall deeper in love with my Zach every single day. My daughter is healthy and happy and God has blessed Zach and I with another baby on the way.
If I did not have God...there is no way I would have survived the last year of my life.
I would have become like the 37,000 people who were so desperate and heart broken in 2009 that they decided life was not worth living anymore.
Im not trying to sell you on Christianity. I just want to tell you the testimony that I carry about God's love and faithfulness. Now that I am no longer depressed, I can see how God was working in every single aspect of my misery. He could have fixed everything the 2 weeks before I delivered Charlotte but He did not. At first I was angry by this, and could not understand why but now I know.
God grows and stretches you in times of brokenness.
He shows you just how frail life is and just how desperately we all need a savior.
He uses this time of vulnerability to mold and shape you into the person He destined for you to be.
If you are at this place in your life, I need you to know you are not alone. 1 in every 4 adults suffer from clinical depression.
Can I ask you a couple of things?
Please dont keep this a secret ok?
Reach out to someone that you feel safe being vulnerable with because you need support in these dark places. If you dont feel like you have anyone like that message me on facebook or email me at alexandra.klein91@yahoo.com
I will listen and pray with you.
And most importantly, cry out to Jesus. You may not feel like He is there but I promise He is right there holding you. Or maybe you don't even believe in His existence as God. If you don't believe...why not just try calling out to Him anyway? If you're in the pit then you dont have anything to lose right? I promise He will answer your call and lift you out of the darkness.
Something that helped me in my time of need was hearing this truth:
"with Jesus, you will not stay in the valley...He will carry you through the valley."
"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."
-Psalms 30:5
I just love you!
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